I'm a killer.

 If i say, im a killer, im sure that no one would believe me. 

But, that's true! I have killed the same person several times.

I hate to kill this person, but i had to that to save her from another one. 

It was so hard, coz sometimes, i doubted if i killed the wrong one, whether i had killed the one who should be saved instead of the one who should be killed. But, no, i was not wrong, i had saved the 'right' one. 

But who did i kill and who did i save? 

I killed myself.

And,

I saved myself. 

I killed myself to save myself from myself. 

When i slandered and was ignored whenever i tried to show that i didnt do any wrong, i killed 'me' who always tried hard to prove that im right. 

When my closest ones stop talking with me, i killed 'me' who thinks that im always right. 

When i was mocked for being too kind, i killed 'me' who thinks about others too much. 

When i stepped out  of my toxic relationship, i killed 'me' who couldnt love and respect myself. 

When i was labled me as stupid for being too gentle i killed 'me' who treats everyone as if they are my own family. 

When i was taken for granted and rejected, i killed 'me' who always put my trust in others. 

When i was insulted for being 'inexperienced' and  helpless i killed 'me' who loved people that offended me. 

When i was given the chance to peep into lives of other people to see the side they dont show, i killed 'me' who was judgmental. 

When i was shown many perspectives in which we can think about others, i killed 'me' who couldnt understand the other people. 

When i was cut off by the ones i called my companions, i killed 'me' who always rely on someone. 

When i was shown the 'vaccum' inside many bonds, i killd 'me' who wanted to have a big circle. 

When i was given the courage to express what i feel, i killed 'me' who was scared of the world. 

When i was criticized, no matter what i did, i killed 'me' who was constantly worried about what others think about me. 

When i was disrespected by the people i loved, i killed 'me' who tolerated everything just for the sake of love. 

When i was shown the differences between almost all the individuals i see i killed 'me' who couldnt accept the many types of 'human beings' and their ideas. 

When i realized, everything that grown ups do is not correct, i killed 'me' who was hesitant to challenge the norms. 

When i was urged to be myself, without being embarassed, i killed 'me' who didnt like to accpet the 'real me'. 

When i understood im more than enough, i killed 'me' who was expecting to be cared by the people who ignored me. 

Finally when i knew that, theres no need to be perfect, i killed 'me' who was ashamed of the way i am. 

And in the end, i unveiled a new version of myself, here im breathing and living as a perfectly imperfect living soul. I was shaped by everything i had to face and most of the people i met. Im so grateful to those people and incidents inspite of the happiness or annoyance i had to feel. I used to ask from myself, why me? But now, it is obvious that it's 'try me'. Coz i killed 'me' who didnt want to look on the sunny side of life.  No dizzing at the people who are not in my life anymore and no more regretting the things i had to face. Everything and everyone of them are 'shapers'. Although it was agonizing to be killed and saved at the same time, i feel like those sharp 'shapers' pitched in and made it easier.  

When i looked back, i see those remains of the old selves of mine, and sometimes i miss them, but, i know, we must be shaped by ourselves and we should find the self that endure the world and tackle the traumas we are given at the university of life. Unless we are moulded, we will be selected universally.